November 2011

The saltwater lagoon at the Grand Hyatt Kauai.

This is sad to say. In fact, it’s downright embarrassing. The whole time I’ve been on Kauai I’ve yet to get into the ocean. It’s not completely my fault. First of all, at the other two resorts I stayed at—the Waimea Plantation Cottages and the Hanalei Colony Resort—you couldn’t really get in the ocean because the beaches were dangerous. And, sure, I could have gotten in my car and driven to one of the dozens of nice beaches on the island but you know what? I didn’t.

So now I’m down to my last couple of days on Kauai and I’m thinking I really need to go for a swim in the ocean. So this morning I slathered on the sunscreen, got into my board shorts, and headed for the beach in front of my room. And guess what? There was nobody in the water. Not one single person. Which is kind of strange, don’t you think? So I found someone who worked at the resort and asked them if it was safe to go swimming off the beach.

Not really, he said. “People do it. But they’re crazy. We usually have the paramedics out here at least once or twice a week.”

Paramedics? Really?

The way I looked at it, I had two options: I could go back to my room, put some stuff together, make the 15 minute hike to the self-parking lot and then drive a few miles down to Poipu Beach, look for a spot to park, cart my crap down to the sand, and go for a swim in the ocean. Or I could just stay at the resort.

Guess what I decided to do?

So I walked down to the pool. Except the Grand Hyatt doesn’t just have a “pool.” They have like a water park. With faux-lava boulders and a winding stream and waterfalls and a slide. It’s huge. And amazing.

But it gets better. I also discovered that between the enormous freshwater pool and the beach they have a saltwater lagoon. With a sand beach and reef fish and kayaks that you can paddle around. Plus there are no sharks or stingrays in the lagoon. And you can order a mai tai from your lounge chair in the sand. Who needs the ocean?

The Stevenson's Library bar in the Grand Hyatt Kauai.

The other thing I asked the bellman, besides how to get back to the lobby, was where I should have dinner. You know, the thing about a big resort like the Grand Hyatt is that the property is so sprawling and it takes so long to get your car that you’re kind of held hostage to the resort. Not that I was likely my first night to go off-property even if my car was parked directly below me. I was tired and I was hungry and I wanted a drink. Now.

Anyway, the bellman suggested I go to Tidepools, which is the resort’s high-end restaurant. It’s a series of thatched huts, called hale pilis, that sits over a koi-filled lagoon. Very nice, very romantic, and very expensive. But I wasn’t sure I had any truly clean clothes and I was on my own so eating at someplace chic by myself didn’t sound too appealing.

Then the guy suggested their bar, Stevenson’s Library. “Martinis and sushi,” he said. That sounded like just what I was looking for.

You know, you go to a bar in a beach resort and you sort of assume everyone is going to be in shorts and sarongs or something, so after showering, I’d changed into a relatively clean polo shirt and navy shorts. But Stevenson’s Library isn’t exactly your typical resort bar. It’s more like a Victorian-era gentleman’s club. Lots of dark wood paneling, low lights, and a beautiful 27-foot handcrafted koa wood bar. Most of the people there looked like they were going to a fancy cocktail party. Still, I wasn’t the only one is shorts and a polo shirt.

Normally this bar only serves pupus—shrimp cocktail, tempura poke roll, coconut chicken strips—but Fridays through Mondays they offer sushi from 6 to 9. So I ordered a lychee martini (vodka, lychee liqueur, and lychee juice) while looking over the sushi menu. While I was sitting there a young Marine, in dress uniform, came in and sat at the far end of the bar by himself. He didn’t look happy. He looked tense and uncomfortable and in need of a drink. So while the bartender was standing in front of me waiting for my order, I told him I wanted to buy the Marine a drink. The bartender went over to the soldier and asked him what he wanted to drink and then pointed towards me and said I was buying. The Marine was very polite. He got up off his stool and came over and said he appreciated it, he really did, but he didn’t want me to buy him a drink. He’d just come in to be alone and have a drink and he’d buy his own. I told him it was my pleasure to get the first one but he insisted once again that he was going to buy his own drink.

I don’t know what was going on here. He was sweating like it was a hundred degrees out and we were standing out in the hot sun and his face was kind of gray and clammy. If I didn’t know better I’d of said he was in shock. And maybe he was. Who knows what his story was? There had been a wedding on the lawn earlier in the day and I was thinking that since he was in his dress uniform, maybe he’d been in that. Maybe a buddy of his had gotten married. Maybe he’d come straight from Iraq or Afghanistan to be in this wedding and he was thinking of buddies that weren’t over at the Grand Hyatt in Kauai ordering a drink at a Hawaiian gentleman’s bar. I just don’t know. But I felt for him. And I wish he would have let me buy him a drink.

The view from my room at the Grand Hyatt Kauai. Photo by David Lansing.

Over the weekend I moved from the Hanalei Colony Resort on the North Shore to the Grand Hyatt in Poipu. It was kind of a shocking transition. Sort of like moving from your college dorm back into Donald Trump’s house. The Hanalei Colony Resort is funky and small and very laid back. The Grand Hyatt is glitzy and sprawling and buttoned-up. Hanalei Colony Resort’s motto is Unspoiled, Unplugged, Unforgettable. The Grand Hyatt’s is “A Hawaiian Classic.”

I’m not pushing one over the other. I’m just saying They’re very different. And I had a difficult time, at first, adjusting to my new digs beginning with just getting to my room which was a two day walk from the front desk. No, I’m kidding. It wasn’t that far. It just seemed that way after staying at a resort where I could actually see my car from my bedroom window. Here, when the bell man (he definitely wasn’t a boy) showed me how to operate the air-conditioning (something I’ve gladly done without for the last couple of weeks) by making sure my sliding glass doors were closed, I had just one question for him as he stood at the door: How do I find my way back to the lobby?

Seriously.

But I have to tell you it feels kind of cool to be here. Like staying in a very elegant Vegas resort like the Bellagio. Except there’s an ocean just outside my door. And I don’t have to pass by a thousand slot machines in the lobby on my way to dinner. If I can find my way back to the lobby.

The pick-up counter at Fish Express in Lihue. Photo by David Lansing.

If I had to eat at just one place on Kauai for a month no doubt my choice would be The Fish Express on the road headed north out of Lihue. Every time I go in there, my mouth starts watering and I am just paralyzed trying to figure out what I want. And that’s just not the way I usually operate. I’m one of those people who picks up a menu and makes a decision within two minutes. But at Fish Express it’s like, Do I want the wasabi poke or one of the bento boxes or fish tacos or….It’s all good. And incredibly fresh. All the seafood comes in from local boats. Which is why you can’t plan on getting your favorite mahi mahi sandwich because they might not have mahi mahi today.

And here’s the thing: As good as the food is here, you have to get it to go. There’s no place to sit down and eat. Not even outside. Which is just punishing because as soon as they hand you over your Hawaiian plate of kalua pork with lomi salmon and rice, you want to dig in. But no can do.

Still, the place is always jammed. And almost exclusively by locals. There are these big burly road construction workers and nurses from the hospital across the road and all the cable and electric service guys. There are secretaries coming in and picking up orders for the whole office and surfers who, like me, can’t seem to make up their minds. But god it’s good.

So after my helicopter tour I was starving and immediately headed for Fish Express. Since it was almost two, there weren’t too many people in there (the back kitchen, or “Da Grill,” as they call it, only operates from 10 to 2 Mondays through Fridays). Like I said, I wanted to order one of everything but eventually my choice came down to furikake crusted ahi over Kilauea greens or their special of the day, ahi poke rolls. Eventually I went with the furikake ahi. I took my bulging Styrofoam container up to the Wailua Falls overlook and sat in the shady parking lot pigging out. That furikake ahi broke da mouth, bro.

Winging it over the Napali Coast. Photo by David Lansing.

I have hiked along the Napali Coast from the end of the road on the North Shore to Hanakapiai Beach and I have zipped along the coast in a Zodiac but the only real way to get the big picture and see how formidable that stretch of Kauai’s coast really is is by hovering over it in a helicopter.

The trouble is that often the Napali Coast is socked in with clouds and you only get glimpses of its beauty. But the weather on our flight was magnificent. In fact, Isaac said before we took off that the conditions were a nine out of a possible ten. “One of the very, very rare days.”

And he was right. Everything was crystal clear, there was little wind, and the colors of both the sea and the landscape just popped out at you. The only thing that would have made the flight better is if I’d been able to sit in the front of the chopper with better sight lines for shooting. As it was, I had to contend with the glare from a narrow side window and the constant elbow action of the grandma sitting next to me who was constantly pushing herself across my seat to get a better view of the scenery below us. I couldn’t blame her. I would have done the same.