Sardines with a snarl

I’m a bit of a Francophile but let’s face it: the French are surly. Which is not to say they’re rude, though they may be that too. But their lips curl into a natural snarl. Even the women. Okay, particularly the women.

You walk around the harbor of St. Martin looking for a little seaside café for lunch, some place where you can sit for a couple of hours just watching all the bicyclists pass by the waterfront like schools of fish, finally settling on Le Serghi which is small, but not too small, out of the main hub-bub but still close enough that you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

Le Serghi, St. Martin de Re

You order a dozen oysters, the grilled sardines, and a half-bottle of rose and you’re thinking life is pretty damn fine, but then, as she grabs the menu, the waitress arches her eyebrows at you and—there it is!—the snarling French lips.

Is it what I ordered or just my pronunciation? Or both? Though it doesn’t really matter because I’ll tell you what: I’m not really offended. In fact, I think it’s kind of sexy.

Pédale!” I snarl back, dismissing her with a sweep of my hand (now we’re flirting). She makes a little clicking noise with her tongue and darts away.

Later, as I’m eating my sardines, I catch her staring at me as she leans against the restaurant, smoking a cigarette. I’ll tell you something else: I hate smokers with a passion. But if I were French, I think I’d smoke. Maybe that’s how they keep their snarls in place—smoking those hideous Gitanes.

Le Chat Botte restaurant

Although the restaurant is only half full, I have no reservation and, at 8:45 pm, have to sweet talk first the young hostess and then her mistress, Madame Marie Odile, who gets tired of listening to my sad story about not eating all day and finally puts her hand up to my face, entreating me to be quiet, winks, and then leads me by the hand to a small table on the patio near a very green and peaceful garden. Madame Odile blushes when I kiss her hand and tell her she’s just saved my life.

First things first, I tell her: wine.

Un verre?”

Une bouteille.”

She hands me the wine book and it takes me less than a minute to pick out a Tavel rose. In the front of the wine list is a quote from Salvador Dali: “Qui sait de’guster ne boit plus jamais de vin mais goute des secrets.”

Okay, sure.

Appropriately, the menu here is mostly poissons: sole meuniere, turbot, dorado, bar. I start with a dozen local oysters, served on a bed of seaweed, that are so sweet and briny that you wonder if Madame sent someone down to the shore after I ordered to pluck them out of the bay. I also get the dos de Cabillaud per sille et moutarde au jus de viande—on Madame’s recommendation—plus a plate of cheese and coffee. For 32 euros, which seems awfully damn reasonable to me. Oh! And on the table they have a large wooden tub with a wooden spoon for dipping into the famous Île de Ré fleur de sel, as thick and grainy as a snowcone but with a taste so sweet I sprinkle it on my buttered roll and lick it off like ice cream.

All around me are the most adorable French families, on their August seaside vacations, the women in polka dot silk dresses, with sad eyes and wry smiles that make me think of Juliette Binoche, who was on the cover of the Air France in-flight magazine. Their daughters, hair pulled back in sleek ponytails, wear white dresses to contrast with their chestnut-colored skin and have pouts on their bored faces that are, nonetheless, enchanting.

The old men, unlike old men in the States, look stylish, with Cary Grant smiles and navy blue sweaters tied around their shoulders.

When they roll the cheese cart out, it’s like a surprise guest at the MTV awards, all shrouded and with a long, noisy introduction. The linen is pulled back dramatically and then there they are, all the glistening cheeses that everyone, including me, oohs and ahhs about as they make their selection.

The oysters were stunning. But the local chevre—oh my god! Salty, soft, tactile, buttery, raw, intense. It’s like sex. The first time with somebody.

                                                                                                               photo by David Lansing

Madame comes over and pours the last of the Tavel into my glass. “Well?” she says with a smile. I am so happy I have no words for her (or perhaps the Tavel has gone to my head). All I can do is grin and shake my head in wonder. Madame understands perfectly.

Next time, she says, reservations will not be necessary for Monsieur at Le Chat Botte.

I’m at the car-rental counter inside the Bordeaux airport, pondering a map of France. Feeling a bit groggy, I nonetheless notice that my destination—a small island somewhere off the western coast of mainland France called Île de Ré—doesn’t exist. At least, not on this map. There’s the obvious brown thing, France, and the blue thing to the left, which must be the Atlantic Ocean, but nothing in between. No little obvious speck to suggest an isle. Is Île de Ré some sort of oceanic Oz?

Excusez-moi, s’il vous plaît,” I say to the perky car-rental gal whose name tag, I swear to God, says Glenda. “How do I get to Île de Ré ?”

The petite French people behind the counter giggle at this question, but Glenda only smiles and says, “Why that’s simple. Just follow the road to Paris.”

“Follow the road to Paris?”

“Yes, follow the road to Paris.”

Shall we all chime in now?

So off I go to…the road to Paris. There are no lions and tigers and bears, but there are swaying fields of gigantic sunflowers, a frightening thunderstorm and a forest of confusing road signs pointing thither and yon that only leads me in circles. Five hours into a journey that Glenda assured me would take no more than three, I finally find the yellow brick road: a swooping, nearly two-mile-long bridge connecting the port city of La Rochelle, on the west coast of the mainland, to Île de Ré .

The sun is just beginning to set and the bridge sparkles, disappearing into a haze at the other end, appearing to drop precipitously down into the sea. Is there really land on the other side? As I cross the bridge in my cool little Citroën, hurtling through puffy, dark clouds, I feel as if I am falling through the sky. A swirling American plummeting toward a magical French isle.

Listen, I don’t like little yappy dogs, and I’m not from Kansas. I’ve always lived near the ocean, but I seldom swim in it. The sea both mesmerizes and terrifies me. When I am in it, I am always aware of the enormity of the unknown beneath me and the downward pull. Being in the ocean reminds me all too well that I am little more than a stressed, frantic sardine who spends most of his time darting in circles with no clear destination in mind. I worry that, sooner or later, I will grow tired of all this movement and slip beneath a wave. In short, I sometimes feel like a drowning man.

I am never completely satisfied when I travel and my friends say, What is it you want? Here’s what I want: I want to be somewhere like Île de Ré long enough that I not only know how to properly say huîtres without embarrassing myself but know precisely who, on the island, sells the best. I want to know when market day is in every village and be on good enough terms with the fish monger that she holds the best hommard back, knowing I will ask for it. I want the waiter at my favorite café to greet me warmly when I show up on a busy mid-August evening and to pull a table in off the street and have it set, even though he has been telling everyone else for an hour that the restaurant is complet.

I want to know the difference between saucisson noix and saucisson noisettes. In short, I don’t want to go to the aquarium and lean against the glass, staring at the fascinating fish that are so close but so inaccessible. I want to immerse myself in the tank. I want to dive in and joint them. Despite my fear of water.

Is that too much to ask?

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My last afternoon in Santiago. I’ve left my luggage at the hotel while I have one final meal at Akarana, a place Liz recommended for their oysters. Plus I thought I might finally be able to get a terremoto cocktail.

Well, that’s a mistake. When I order a terremoto from my waiter, Emiliano, he goes off and gets the owner of the restaurant. Who turns out to be a spunky little gal from New Zealand named Dell Taylor.

“We don’t make drinks like that here,” she says rather severely.

“No?”

“Definitely not.”

What is it about this terremoto cocktail that so disgusts everyone? Is it the rot-gut wine, pipeño, that they use? Or the pineapple ice cream? I’ll tell you, I’ve been in at least twenty different restaurants and bars in Santiago and not a single place would make me a terremoto cocktail. So now I’m practically desperate for one. Just to see if it’s possibly as bad as you would think.

Although Dell won’t make me a terremoto, she offers to personally make me a pisco sour which she says is the best in all of Santiago. Well, as far as I’m concerned, that’s not saying much. I’ve yet to have one that comes even close to a poorly made margarita. But what the hell. It’s my last day here. Might as well have a pisco sour.

A few minutes later she’s back with my drink. And then she stands there, at my table, watching me take a sip.

“Well?” she says.

You know what? She’s right. This is the best damn pisco sour I’ve had. And I tell her so.

She looks smug. “What’d I tell you?” she says.

Then she sits down at my table and tells me how all the pisco sours in Santiago are crap because everyone uses some god awful mix at the bar. “Got to make it with fresh lemon juice. And a decent pisco. Doesn’t have to be the best pisco but it’s got to be fairly good, doesn’t it?”

I’m impressed enough with Dell’s pisco sour that I order a second, to go with my oysters on the half-shell and a dish of chargrilled marinated octopus, and then ask her for her recipe. For the drink. And here it is: The best damn pisco sour in Santiago.

Akarana Pisco Sour

In a cocktail shaker with four ice cubes, add:

–1 1/2 ounces of good pisco (she likes Aba)

–3/4 ounce fresh lemon juice

–spoon full of sugar (taste drink for sweetness)

–“a knob of egg white” (about 1/3 of an egg white)

Shake it up good in the cocktail shaker, pour into a tall flute, and add a drop of Angostura bitters on the top. “Just a dot—no more.”

Enjoy!

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If you missed yesterday’s installment, I was talking about this restaurant in Santiago, Doña Tina, that had recently been written up by Ms. Florence Fabricant (that name can’t be real) of the NY Times who wrote that if you want to sample “the hearty, rustic specialties that are considered true Chilean cooking, this sprawling place on the outskirts of the city is surely the best choice.”

So I decide to make a reservation and check it out and when I get there, I’m the lone diner. And they won’t serve me a terremoto so I order a bottle of wine, which is corked, at which point my waiter huffily disappears into the kitchen.

The empty dining room at Dona Tina.

The empty dining room at Dona Tina.

Well, a few minutes later a charming young woman comes out from the back and introduces herself as Karla. She tells me that her uncle, my waiter, had sent her out from the back where she had been doing her homework because she speaks English and he can’t figure out what my problem is.

“He says your wine tastes of dog?” she says.

“It’s corked,” I tell her. “You understand corked?”

She shakes her head. Rather than trying to explain the concept, I say, “It’s just no good.”

“No good?”

“No good,” I tell her. “Taste it.”

She takes a sip, shrugs. “Tastes like wine,” she says. Then adds, “I don’t like wine.”

But Karla goes off and gets me another bottle of wine and while she’s struggling to open it, she tells me that she is one of the “many, many grandchildren” of the owner, Doña Tina. The waiter is her uncle, the bartender is a cousin, her father is a cook. “It cuts down on the stealing,” she says, making a little joke.

When I ask Karla just how many grandchildren Doña Tina has, she shrugs and says, “Maybe 25, maybe 30—it’s hard to keep track.” Then she goes to the bar and comes back with a copy of her grandmother’s cookbook and on the back is a photo of Doña Tina surrounded by her many grandkids. I count 26 but Karla says, “At least five or six are missing.”

When I joke about her following in her grandmother’s footsteps, she says definitely not. “I want to be a civil engineer,” she says. Well, I say, with 25 or 30 cousins, surely the family business will continue.

“Yes, but without me, I hope,” says Karla.

I tell Karla I’m going to have that Chilean classic, pastel de choclo, an oven-baked stew made of diced meat, onion, and chili pepper covered by a sweet corn paste topped with sugar.

“No,” Karla says. “No pastel de choclo. Only in summer.” (Remember that it is mid-winter down here right now.)

“The humitas?” I say.

“No humitas.”

I give up. I tell Karla to just pick something for me. With her pen, she points at the sugerencia especial, the Doña Tina. “This is very good,” she says. “Costillar and arrollado. Have you had arrollado?”

I tell her I have not. She says, “Well, if you have been to Santiago and have not had the arrollado, you have not been to Santiago.”

That’s good enough for me.

When Karla brings the dish from the kitchen, it’s as meat-and-potatoes as you can get. The arrollado is pork that’s been marinated in red wine vinegar and a little garlic, rolled up and covered in a layer of fatty skin and poached. It looks about as appetizing as it sounds. Karla tells me that if you eat the white fat covering it’s called eating the panty. “But not everyone likes to eat the panty.” Including me.

The costillar, pork ribs roasted with cumin and oregano, is a little bit better, but anyone who has ever had some good Kansas City barbecue would immediately tell you that the Chileans need to learn about spice rubs.

The best thing on the plate, as far as I’m concerned, are the corn-colored pureed potatoes flavored with merken, the Mapuche spice of smoked chile peppers and coriander seeds. Frankly, I would have been perfectly happy to skip the costillar and arrollado, along with the panty, and just sup on a big bowl of the mashed potatoes with merken. If only I could have gotten a decent wine to go with it. Or a good terremoto.

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