You know how it is when you’ve got a couple of hours to kill at the airport. You read Vanity Fair, get your shoes shined, wander around the Duty Free shop pricing the Kahlua. And if you still have time on your hands, like I do, you use the back of your receipt from California Pizza Kitchen to noodle out thoughts on how to solve the problems in the Middle East.
So here’s what I’ve come up with: First, Emanuel Rahm quietly goes out and hires Disney’s Imagineers, the folks that brought us a faux-Matterhorn and “It’s a Small World,” to build clever recreations of sections of Jerusalem, including the Wailing Wall and the Damascus Gate, which are then buried under a sandy stretch of desert in northern Baja. Shortly thereafter Hillary announces the construction of a new FasTrak toll road between San Diego and San Felipe, sans border checkpoint, at a joint press conference with Mexican president Felipe Calderon who then proclaims that the Sea of Cortez, named after the despised Spanish conqueror, will henceforth be referred to by its original pre-conquest name, Mar Muerto. The new toll road will be called Carretera de la Muerte (also known as the Sea-to-Sea Highway in the States).
Now, while the toll road is being built, anthropologists are brought in to insure that no important archaeological sites are destroyed during construction and lo and behold, in several sea lion caves along the coast, they not only come across a number of used rubbers and old Corona bottles but some ancient scrolls written in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Spanglish on the sort of wax paper used to wrap fish tacos back in the day.
While the Mar Muerto Scrolls (as Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush soon dubs them) are being deciphered, an earth mover pushing over cardon cacti uncovers what appears to be the ruins of a buried city near the town of Rosarito Beach that includes a long stone wall made of concrete and plaster of Paris that, in sections, appears to be at least 60 feet high and, oddly enough, has chinks in it where little pieces of paper have been inserted. The notes say things like “Pray for a shot of storm surf” and “Doc Ball owns the green room!”
The timing of the discovery is fortuitous as the archaeologists, as well as the judges from American Idol, who happen to be vacationing at the nearby Festival Plaza Hotel (except Paula Abdul, who wasn’t invited), pronounce that these are ancient text, some at least 30 years old (or longer than anyone can remember), and they clearly indicate that Baja is the Promised Land. As for those other scrolls found in and around Qumran 60 years ago? Scholars had been reading them upside down. Bummer.
Barack Obama quickly convenes a summit meeting at Camp David with President Calderon and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu after which it is announced that the United States and Israel have jointly agreed to purchase the entire 1,100-mile-long Baja peninsula for an undisclosed amount of cash plus a fleet of new (but unsold) ‘08 Hummers stuffed with credit default swaps bundled by Lehman Brothers and a 50 percent stake in the recently restructured GM. “In addition,” says an obviously pleased Obama, “we are throwing in the state of Texas as a measure of goodwill.”
The entire population of Israel will be relocated to Baja just as soon as Pequeña Jerusalén (as Rosarito Beach is quickly renamed) is unearthed, announces Netanyahu during a joint press conference in which all three leaders wear identical white guyabara wedding shirts and black skull caps. No current Mexican residents in Baja will be forced to move. In fact, says the Prime Minister, “Since Baja is three times the size of Israel but has only a third of the population, we hope our Mexican amigos stay. Afterall, we have lots of hotels and golf courses to build. And, personally, I love nachos.”
Israel will be given to the Palestinians. Nuevo Israel (formerly Baja) announces it will pay for its portion of the transaction (the cash) by eliminating its military which is now unnecessary as Netanyahu, or El Jefe as he asks to be called, points out since the country will be surrounded on three sides by water and share a common border with its BFF, the United States. Plans are also announced to expand the border-free toll road from Los Angeles to Jaifa (formerly Cabo).
Treaties are signed, photos taken, twitters sent.