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You know how it is when you’ve got a couple of hours to kill at the airport. You read Vanity Fair, get your shoes shined, wander around the Duty Free shop pricing the Kahlua. And if you still have time on your hands, like I do, you use the back of your receipt from California Pizza Kitchen to noodle out thoughts on how to solve the problems in the Middle East.

So here’s what I’ve come up with: First, Emanuel Rahm quietly goes out and hires Disney’s Imagineers, the folks that brought us a faux-Matterhorn and “It’s a Small World,” to build clever recreations of sections of Jerusalem, including the Wailing Wall and the Damascus Gate, which are then buried under a sandy stretch of desert in northern Baja. Shortly thereafter Hillary announces the construction of a new FasTrak toll road between San Diego and San Felipe, sans border checkpoint, at a joint press conference with Mexican president Felipe Calderon who then proclaims that the Sea of Cortez, named after the despised Spanish conqueror, will henceforth be referred to by its original pre-conquest name, Mar Muerto. The new toll road will be called Carretera de la Muerte (also known as the Sea-to-Sea Highway in the States).

Now, while the toll road is being built, anthropologists are brought in to insure that no important archaeological sites are destroyed during construction and lo and behold, in several sea lion caves along the coast, they not only come across a number of used rubbers and old Corona bottles but some ancient scrolls written in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Spanglish on the sort of wax paper used to wrap fish tacos back in the day.

While the Mar Muerto Scrolls (as Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush soon dubs them) are being deciphered, an earth mover pushing over cardon cacti uncovers what appears to be the ruins of a buried city near the town of Rosarito Beach that includes a long stone wall made of concrete and plaster of Paris that, in sections, appears to be at least 60 feet high and, oddly enough, has chinks in it where little pieces of paper have been inserted. The notes say things like “Pray for a shot of storm surf” and “Doc Ball owns the green room!”

The timing of the discovery is fortuitous as the archaeologists, as well as the judges from American Idol, who happen to be vacationing at the nearby Festival Plaza Hotel (except Paula Abdul, who wasn’t invited), pronounce that these are ancient text, some at least 30 years old (or longer than anyone can remember), and they clearly indicate that Baja is the Promised Land. As for those other scrolls found in and around Qumran 60 years ago? Scholars had been reading them upside down. Bummer.

Barack Obama quickly convenes a summit meeting at Camp David with President Calderon and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu after which it is announced that the United States and Israel have jointly agreed to purchase the entire 1,100-mile-long Baja peninsula for an undisclosed amount of cash plus a fleet of new (but unsold) ‘08 Hummers stuffed with credit default swaps bundled by Lehman Brothers and a 50 percent stake in the recently restructured GM. “In addition,” says an obviously pleased Obama, “we are throwing in the state of Texas as a measure of goodwill.”

The entire population of Israel will be relocated to Baja just as soon as Pequeña Jerusalén (as Rosarito Beach is quickly renamed) is unearthed, announces Netanyahu during a joint press conference in which all three leaders wear identical white guyabara wedding shirts and black skull caps. No current Mexican residents in Baja will be forced to move. In fact, says the Prime Minister, “Since Baja is three times the size of Israel but has only a third of the population, we hope our Mexican amigos stay. Afterall, we have lots of hotels and golf courses to build. And, personally, I love nachos.”

Israel will be given to the Palestinians. Nuevo Israel (formerly Baja) announces it will pay for its portion of the transaction (the cash) by eliminating its military which is now unnecessary as Netanyahu, or El Jefe as he asks to be called, points out since the country will be surrounded on three sides by water and share a common border with its BFF, the United States. Plans are also announced to expand the border-free toll road from Los Angeles to Jaifa (formerly Cabo).

Treaties are signed, photos taken, twitters sent.  

Shalom.

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The Gift: II

My father was more Jackie Gleason than David Niven, more Walter Matthau than Fred Astaire. Sort of the blue-collar Frank Sinatra, I guess you’d say, a man who loved meatloaf, Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass, and playing ping-pong. He admired Steve McQueen, never owned a suit, and always won a free turkey around Thanksgiving in his bowling league. Always.

Oddly enough, his drink of choice was a Manhattan, which, even as a kid, I sort of admired and was embarrassed by at the same time. I’ll tell you a story: When I was 10, maybe 11 years old, I used to go with my dad on Thursdays, league night, to the bowling alley where I’d get paid a buck plus all the cherry cokes I could drink to keep score for my father’s team. All these guys—most a little younger than my dad—would down Coors all night, but not my father. He’d order a Manhattan from the gum-smacking bar girl, and she’d bring it to him on the rocks in a plastic cup. At this point my father would pull out from his shoe bag a ridiculous cocktail shaker adored with drink recipes. He would dump in the contents of the cup, then strain the drink into a ribbed martini glass, which he also kept in his shoe bag. Finally he would pull out an old jam jar of brandied cherries he’d preserved himself and plop one of the scarlet bombs in his glass and another in my coke.

He called my drink a virgin Manhattan—“Which, as you’ll discover, is a very rare thing”—chuckling as he clinked my glass. This is the part that always embarrassed me: the clinking of glasses, the lame joke. This is the part I admired: His bowling buddies always treated him as if he were a bon vivant and I a young prince. It left an impression.

But I came of age in a time of Harvey Wallbangers, tequila sunrises, and California wines hawked by a bloated Orson Welles. The first time I had a real Manhattan was at my father’s funeral. I liked it immensely, which rather surprised me. I liked the way the rosy hue of sweet vermouth deepened the amber color of the whiskey. I liked its smoky sweetness, the way just the slightest sip filled my mouth with lubricious lushness. Most of all, I liked the way it made me feel on a day when much seemed lost in my world: comforted, calm, stoically philosophical. From that day forward, my father’s Manhattan became my signature drink.

The Manhattan is the Cary Grant of cocktails. The most charming, the most elegant, the most sophisticated of libations you can order. It is, quite simply, the finest cocktail on the face of the earth. It’s the grandfather of the martini and the sine qua non of all French-Italian cocktails. It’s also inherently sexy (though I’ve yet to meet a woman who can actually tie the cherry stem into a know using just her tongue).

The Manhattan has gone through a number of permutations over the decades—from rye, originally, to Canadian whisky during Prohibition, to my father’s preference, bourbon. And there’s always been disagreement over the type of vermouth to use—and just how much. The story goes that the original Manhattan was made with equal amounts of both dry and sweet vermouths, and this is still called a Perfect Manhattan, though in my mind there’s nothing perfect about it.

My father made his with Italian vermouth, as called for on the recipe of his goofy cocktail shaker. Back then, people referred to dry vermouth as French and sweet vermouth as Italian because that’s where they came from. These days there are all sorts of vermouths out there, including sweet whites, so you have to be more specific.

Now, about the whiskey. Hardly anyone makes a rye Manhattan these days, largely because hardly anymore makes rye whiskey. But if you order a Manhattan back East and don’t specify the liquor, most bartenders will use a Canadian whisky—usually Canadian Club—which they will tell you is a rye whiskey.

Nonsense.

Almost all Canadian whiskies are simply blended, which means they come from a number of different barrels (Crown Royal, for instance, creates its blend with as many as 50 whiskies). If you ask me, using a blended Canadian whisky to make a Manhattan is like using surimi to make a crab salad—please don’t do it. Order a straight bourbon. Something like Maker’s Mark or Knob Creek is fine.

When my father died, I inherited two things: his old cocktail shaker, which I still use, and his recipe for what truly is the perfect Manhattan. Shake exactly one drop of orange bitters into a martini glass and swirl it around. In a cocktail shaker half-filled with crushed ice, add two shots of bourbon and one shot of Martini & Rossi sweet vermouth (I find Cinzano a little too robust and Noilly Prat too cloying—you want to taste the bourbon, not the vermouth). Swirl the mixture around but don’t bruise it; you don’t want a cloudy Manhattan. Strain into a martini glass and add a maraschino cherry. Take a sip. Then start spreading the news. The perfect Manhattan. A gift from my father.

 

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I’ll have what he’s having

Monday, July 21, 2008

Three guys walk into a bar at LAX, a French guy, an Hispanic, and the Anti-Christ (that would be me). Actually, the French guy, dressed from head to toe in black, is already sitting at the bar, and the Hispanic guy, Luis, is the bartender. So, really, I’m the only one who walked into the bar, but you get my drift.

I’m there because I’m two hours early for my flight to Rome and the final round of a golf tournament is on and even though I think we’d be a better society if both guns and golf were banned, I love watching Tiger. It’s not something I’m proud of, frankly, because in all other things, from politics to bull fights, I much prefer it when David beats the living crap out of Goliath (although this almost never happens in bullfights). But I have a weakness for Tiger. If I was at all gay, I’d worry about it.

Anyhoo. I’m hungry, bored, and have lots of time on my hands. A bad combination. So I order a large Sam Adams, which comes in a tumbler that looks like it might also be perfectly suitable as a vase for holding three dozen tulips in the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton, and the house “special,” a burger with cheese, bacon, onion rings, mushrooms, and guacamole on it. Nobody does excess like an airport bar.

Luis the bartender, not wanting me to get in a bind, informs me that the kitchen is a little slow today and it could be 30 or 40 minutes before I get my burger.  I order it anyway.

Five minutes later, the French guy next to me gets his meal. It’s a plate heaped with ribs, so many of them that he immediately asks Luis for an extra plate to contain the overflow. They look good. Really good. And they smell better than Britney Spears’ Fantasy perfume on a 15-year-old girl (let’s not even go there).

I want some.

Me: “Wow, those look good.”

Frenchie: “Par-don?”

Me: “The ribs. C’est incroyables, no?”

Frenchie: ….

Maybe it’s my accent. Anyway, another five or ten minutes go by. No burger. Tiger has just missed an easy birdie putt. Frenchie is talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend in Paris, no doubt, about his sexy calfskin leather shoes or maybe his D&G glasses which, actually, do look very cool. He’s ignoring the ribs like a pregnant ex-girlfriend.

I’m so hungry

Luis comes over, sees I still don’t have my burger, and shrugs. Obviously he’s sympatico. My beer is gone. I order a Pinot Grigio, which is really stupid. Where do I think I am? Why didn’t I just go all out and order a glass of Condrieu?  Luis comes back with a bottle labeled WHITE WINE and gives me an extra large pour. It’s warm. It’s sweet. It’s the color of limoncello. It’s fair to say it’s nothing like any wine I’ve ever had, including Pinot Grigio.

I thank Luis.

Frenchie: “My omelette?”

Luis: “Que?”

Frenchie: “Omelette. I…order…omelette.”

Luis: “Too late for breakfast, sir.”

Frenchie, petulantly: “But I…order…omelette.”

Luis, obviously a wise soul full of much que sera sera, shrugs. Tiger hits his drive into those gorgeous magnolia trees. On CBS he quite clearly says, “Fuck!”

Me (with all the enthusiasm of a 10-year-old watching Bill Mahrer on cable for the first time): “Tiger just said ‘fuck’ on TV!”

Frenchie: “Fromage…you have fromage?”

Luis: “Just ketchup and mustard, sir.”

Me (sotto voce): “Luis, I think he wants some cheese.”

I smile at Frenchie. The ribs are starting to congeal a bit but they still smell good. I’ll bet they’d be most excellent with my WHITE WINE.

Luis goes into the back and comes out with a black plastic bowl of shredded yellow cheese. I’m not going to call it cheddar because I’m sure it’s not. It’s day-glo orange. The same color as Chee-tos. And shredded. Into rubbery matchsticks.

Me, leaning in towards Frenchie: “I wouldn’t eat that.”

Frenchie: “No?”

Me (in my finest Maurice Chevalier accent): “Ce n’est pas fromage.”

Frenchie: “Not cheese?”

I shake my head. “But, you know, some people will eat anything.” I let my eyes wander over to his plate of uneaten ribs. “Like I’m hungry enough right now to eat cold leftover ribs.”

Frenchie takes his plastic fork and dives into the cheese sticks. He looks at me and smiles, takes another bite. There must be two cups of orange-colored cheese sticks in his bowl and he eats every last one of them. And then, after asking for the check, empties the dregs of his RED WINE on the plate of his uneaten but no-doubt succulent ribs.

Tiger hits into the rough on the 12th hole, flubs his second shot, and three putts.

My burger never comes. Still, because that’s the kind of guy I am, I give Luis a five-dollar tip. The same five dollars Frenchie stuck under his plate of cold ribs before he left.    

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